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Old 07-02-2011, 07:52 PM
DeputyP0901 DeputyP0901 is offline
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Default Adult child lying to parents.

What do you think about adult children lying to parents about how they are living their lives?

My friend is 19 and she will be 20 years old in September.
She still has a room at her mom's apartment but for the most part she now lives with her boyfriend of 2 years.
They just signed a contract on an apartment of their own and are moving into it soon.

She hasn't and does not plan on telling her parents. They have no idea where she even stays when she isn't at home. They just see that she isn't home a lot.

Also we can't even talk in front of them about anything.
I can't talk to her about the guy I like or even mention him in front of them. I don't get why. Its ME and MY life, i'm not their child.
And the other day we were in the kitchen talking and I said something about someone smoking, and she said really quietly don't talk about smoking.
And I said something about the guy I like, just something casual like so and so and I went to the mountains yesterday and she again said quietly don't talk about boys.

How would you feel if your adult child had to lie and keep everything hush hush around you?

Sometimes it makes me not even want to go over because I am nearly 22 and I don't feel as if I should pretend to be 14 again.
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Old 07-03-2011, 01:36 AM
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It is interesting that you posted that today as something that was said at church today relates. The pastor was talking about honesty in relationships. All relationships depend on people being honest with one another, if we are not honest then people can't trust each other.

I would say based on what you have said above that your friends relationship with her parents has major problems and unless she is willing to be honest with them about what is happening in her life then that relationship will not improve.

I think that one thing that as a parent you can do is allow your kids to talk with you about anything and that you will listen before you react.

My rider to the above is that my kids are still young so I haven't had to deal with certain things.
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Old 07-03-2011, 05:40 AM
eliszabeth eliszabeth is offline
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I understand what it's like to have to hide stuff from your parents, I also know what it's like to be friends with someone and know stuff that her parents aren't allowed to know and how uncomfotable it is. I still don't really know what to say. Maybe you could spend time with your friend away from her parents so you don't have to experience that awkwardness. You could pray for your friend and their relationship with their parents too.
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Old 07-03-2011, 10:31 AM
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If my adult child felt like she had to lie and keep everything hush hush around me, I would be devastated. I pray that I am raising my children to know that they can always talk to me about everything, whether they think I will agree or not. I also pray that I do not come across as so judgemental that they will think they can never disagree with me without me lowing it with them or ostracizing them from my family or something.
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Old 07-03-2011, 12:16 PM
DeputyP0901 DeputyP0901 is offline
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I could understand talking about specifics when it comes to her boyfriend or something but when I'm mentioning my guy, I don't get it...
I'm not their kid, they aren't opposed to me dating, my life doesn't pertain to them I don't get why I can't mention him if her parents are within ear shot.
Or if I say some like some jerk was smoking right outside the stores front doors I'd get hushed, its not like I'm saying some like oh rawr I smoke a pack a day let me get you addicted too.
Its like anything like that, just don't even bring it up, not even to discuss it.

Its almost like she's afraid to let her parents know that she's not a kid anymore.
My mom and 72 year old grandmother know most of what I do.
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Old 07-03-2011, 02:17 PM
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My thing would be, if I have to keep somethings hush hush about my friend..should they realy by my friend? Are they living a life that I want to be closly associated with? Personally, I am not ashamed of anything I do...because it is all for the glory of God...even when I sin, I repent and God gets the glory. My family may not agree with it, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it
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Old 07-03-2011, 05:11 PM
DeputyP0901 DeputyP0901 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emily445455 View Post
My thing would be, if I have to keep somethings hush hush about my friend..should they realy by my friend? Are they living a life that I want to be closly associated with? Personally, I am not ashamed of anything I do...because it is all for the glory of God...even when I sin, I repent and God gets the glory. My family may not agree with it, but I'm not ashamed to talk about it
I don't talk to her parents anyways, nothing more than brief catch ups.
I know her parents would disagree, especially with her moving in with her boyfriend of two years but she is an adult, she is paying her own way, she pays for all her stuff and I think she has the right to make all these decisions as she sees fit. She's turning 20 this september this year and she's starting her own life and I think she has a right to do so.

What I disagree with most is like we can't mention anything in ANY context that her parents might not like. I hate feeling like a child, I should be able to mention things that I want to mention because we're all adults here, no reason for us younger adults to act like children.
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeputyP0901 View Post
I don't talk to her parents anyways, nothing more than brief catch ups.
I know her parents would disagree, especially with her moving in with her boyfriend of two years but she is an adult, she is paying her own way, she pays for all her stuff and I think she has the right to make all these decisions as she sees fit. She's turning 20 this september this year and she's starting her own life and I think she has a right to do so.

What I disagree with most is like we can't mention anything in ANY context that her parents might not like. I hate feeling like a child, I should be able to mention things that I want to mention because we're all adults here, no reason for us younger adults to act like children.
Yes, she is an adult and can do what she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to say anything b/c deep down she knows it's not the right thing? Just a thought There are usually reasons parents don't like it when their children do something.

Whatever age we are, we will always have to guard our tongue. I watch what I say with my husband, my mom, my dad, my son, my siblings, etc etc. You can't just say whatever you want whenever you want, learning to be discreet is hard but necessary.
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Old 07-04-2011, 03:12 PM
DeputyP0901 DeputyP0901 is offline
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Originally Posted by emily445455 View Post
Yes, she is an adult and can do what she wants. Maybe she doesn't want to say anything b/c deep down she knows it's not the right thing? Just a thought There are usually reasons parents don't like it when their children do something.

Whatever age we are, we will always have to guard our tongue. I watch what I say with my husband, my mom, my dad, my son, my siblings, etc etc. You can't just say whatever you want whenever you want, learning to be discreet is hard but necessary.
She's excited and nervous all at the same time.
Her parents are from the Philippines and just wouldn't agree with it but they have been dating for two years and its just time they moved forward in their relationship.

I don't think her parents will like it because they want her to stay a child, they don't want her to grow up. Plus they have always been very strict and weird about things.

I watch what I say too but I can mention ANY topic in ANY context around ANY person I know. Even if we were to talk about something being bad, she still would shush me.

I just think it's ridiculous.
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Old 07-05-2011, 03:20 PM
Michelleld Michelleld is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DeputyP0901 View Post
She's excited and nervous all at the same time.
Her parents are from the Philippines and just wouldn't agree with it but they have been dating for two years and its just time they moved forward in their relationship.

I don't think her parents will like it because they want her to stay a child, they don't want her to grow up. Plus they have always been very strict and weird about things.

I watch what I say too but I can mention ANY topic in ANY context around ANY person I know. Even if we were to talk about something being bad, she still would shush me.

I just think it's ridiculous.
Her parents may just be concerned for her... perhaps after 2 years the next step in their relationship might be getting engaged and married as opposed to moving in together? That would be more pleasing to God and probably to her parents. Though I would never go into marriage lightly as it is a big step (nor would I just move in together because you're not ready to get married... )
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