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Old 05-16-2011, 03:08 AM
mommix3 mommix3 is offline
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Default teaching kids to stand up for what they believe

I "thought" we had taught our oldest two(14 and 13) to stand up for what is right, but the other night we had a MAJOR issue, and at church. The youth got together and had a vollyball game at the park. 2 hours later my son calls to ask if he and his brother could go to the church to watch a movie with the other kids. There were adults there from our church chaperoning otherwise they wouldn't have gone. I'm usually VERY careful about what they watch but "assumed" that since it was with the youth AT THE CHURCH it would be fine. Well, It wasn't!! Since it was Friday 13th one of the kids(18 year old) decided to rent a move called "The Quarentine". I was told by another parent that they were watching a zombie movie.. It was about time for it to be over so left in hopes of catching the tail end of it so I could see for sure what it was. I got there just as the movie was over so I missed it, BUT I came home and looked it up on focus on the family reviews and this WAS A VERY INAPROPRIATE MOVIE!! First it was rated R. Now I don't go by the rating system most of the time on PG and PG13 movies but rated R is usually a sign that this movie is not going to be something I will allow. Anyhow, the more I read the more irritated I became. When I got down to the part about language, there was 15 F-words and numerous other inappropriate words along with using God's name in an inappropriate way.. I talked to them about it since they didn't offer to tell me on their own. I told them what I had found and asked them if that was the right movie and if they noticed those words. They both agreed that it wasn't something that they felt they should be watching but didn't do anything about it.. They could've called me and I would've came to get them... I'm really disappointed in the churches role in this as well as the way my boys handled the situation. I took it as a teachable moment though and we did talk about what they could've done instead and how sometimes it's hard to do what's right. How would you handle this situation?

BTW hubby and I had JUST had a discussion about how I need not to be concerned over the kids when they are at church or a church function. He said that they were safe there.. "It's church". was his words. I totally disagreed and then this happens..
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Old 05-16-2011, 07:34 AM
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Wow. Yeah that is really disappointing. I think your kids were in a tough spot. On the one hand they were at church so they figured it was ok. On the other their consciouses prob told them something different but the peer pressure was there as well. That is quite a fight against the flesh for a young man. I think I would also make it a teachable moment. Take some time and do some bible study with them. I recently was studying Rom 7&8 which talks about the battle btw flesh and spirit and how we live by the spirit. Also Galations is a great book about living by the spirit.

I wouldn't punish them per se but I think you are right to be more cautious of letting them be at church w/o you. Could you or DH volunteer with the youth? Sounds like they need some mature leaders. If that's not possible I would still try to be involved while they are there.
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Old 05-16-2011, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by mommix3 View Post
BTW hubby and I had JUST had a discussion about how I need not to be concerned over the kids when they are at church or a church function. He said that they were safe there.. "It's church". was his words. I totally disagreed and then this happens..
I agree with you. Kids are kids, teens are teens. Even kids who go to church, Christian schools, etc are still "kids". They sin, and sometimes want to sin, in the case w/ the movie. When my mom said she wanted to put my brother and sister in private Christian schools one of her reasons was kids would be nicer to my sister (she gets picked on a lot). I told her I didn't think so..that kids are kids and it doesn't matter where they are they all pretty much act the same.

Maybe your kids had the same mentality as your DH? Like "it must be okay to watch this movie since so-and-so rented it and he goes to church with us. That must make it okay."
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Old 05-16-2011, 12:18 PM
Luv4kids Luv4kids is offline
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Originally Posted by mommix3 View Post
I "thought" we had taught our oldest two(14 and 13) to stand up for what is right, but the other night we had a MAJOR issue, and at church. The youth got together and had a vollyball game at the park. 2 hours later my son calls to ask if he and his brother could go to the church to watch a movie with the other kids. There were adults there from our church chaperoning otherwise they wouldn't have gone. I'm usually VERY careful about what they watch but "assumed" that since it was with the youth AT THE CHURCH it would be fine. Well, It wasn't!! Since it was Friday 13th one of the kids(18 year old) decided to rent a move called "The Quarentine". I was told by another parent that they were watching a zombie movie.. It was about time for it to be over so left in hopes of catching the tail end of it so I could see for sure what it was. I got there just as the movie was over so I missed it, BUT I came home and looked it up on focus on the family reviews and this WAS A VERY INAPROPRIATE MOVIE!! First it was rated R. Now I don't go by the rating system most of the time on PG and PG13 movies but rated R is usually a sign that this movie is not going to be something I will allow. Anyhow, the more I read the more irritated I became. When I got down to the part about language, there was 15 F-words and numerous other inappropriate words along with using God's name in an inappropriate way.. I talked to them about it since they didn't offer to tell me on their own. I told them what I had found and asked them if that was the right movie and if they noticed those words. They both agreed that it wasn't something that they felt they should be watching but didn't do anything about it.. They could've called me and I would've came to get them... I'm really disappointed in the churches role in this as well as the way my boys handled the situation. I took it as a teachable moment though and we did talk about what they could've done instead and how sometimes it's hard to do what's right. How would you handle this situation?

BTW hubby and I had JUST had a discussion about how I need not to be concerned over the kids when they are at church or a church function. He said that they were safe there.. "It's church". was his words. I totally disagreed and then this happens..
I think this was a "teachable" moment for everyone! Never assume other Christians have your values. They DON'T! We have learned many hard lessons over the years. This is a good example of WHY we don't put our good Christian kids out there and expect them to be the "light". I think its too much pressure.They are still maturing and growing in the Lord and peer pressure is horrible. Even in a church setting... it was too much and they couldn't make the right decision. My kids would have probably done the same. Anyway.... lesson learned.
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Old 05-16-2011, 01:24 PM
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cheeriokeeper cheeriokeeper is offline
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i would also approach the lead pastor about this.
someone should be held responsible for showing such a movie to the
youth of the church.
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Old 05-17-2011, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by cheeriokeeper View Post
i would also approach the lead pastor about this.
someone should be held responsible for showing such a movie to the
youth of the church.

That was my thought when I read your post.
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Old 05-17-2011, 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted by cheeriokeeper View Post
i would also approach the lead pastor about this.
someone should be held responsible for showing such a movie to the
youth of the church.
I agree with that. And if the pastor isn't concerned and other parents don't seem to be concerned, I would also consider looking for a church that shares more of your convictions when it comes to that kind of thing. If the leaders think this movie was appropriate, what are they really teaching the kids about God during class?

I also agree with what others said - kids are kids, no matter how much they have been taught the right thing, and it takes a very very strong kid to be the only one doing the right thing, even if they know it is right. Even the most devoted parent can watch their kids give in to peer pressure.
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Old 05-17-2011, 10:18 AM
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mom_of_3_blessings mom_of_3_blessings is offline
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Originally Posted by cheeriokeeper View Post
i would also approach the lead pastor about this.
someone should be held responsible for showing such a movie to the
youth of the church.
agreed
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Old 05-17-2011, 10:37 AM
Luv4kids Luv4kids is offline
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Originally Posted by cheeriokeeper View Post
i would also approach the lead pastor about this.
someone should be held responsible for showing such a movie to the
youth of the church.
I agree. I hope you do this and come back and tell us what happens.
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Old 05-17-2011, 06:14 PM
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I agree with Liz.

You've probably done a fine job of teaching them right vs. wrong and why they should choose the right. But placed in a peer situation, especially at church, is a tough place to be.

Is this the first time they've been faced with this type of situation?

Did they know prior to going to the church what the movie was?

If it were me, I'd talk to my kids and let them know I expected better of them and am disappointed that they didn't call. I'd ask them what they were feeling. If they felt it was wrong, I'd ask why they didn't act on those feelings.

I'd also talk about how they should handle something like this in the future, giving them several different scenarios and ways to handle it.

I'd probably ask a lot of questions next time they called and asked to do something; who will be there, what will you be doing, what movie will be showing type of thing.

I'd also encourage you to be careful of their feelings while doing all of this talking. You want them to feel comfortable to be able to come and talk to you, even when they know they've disappointed you. So along with letting them know I'm disappointed, I'd be assuring them how much I love them, how I'm not angry and how this one situation won't make me feel like I can't trust them. Keeping the lines of communication open is a tricky tight rope sometimes during the mid to late teen years.

And finally You can do absolutely everything right and have your kids make stupid decisions. That doesn't mean you didn't parent well or teach them well or do your best. You're a good mama no matter what their choices are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by buttrfli View Post
Wow. Yeah that is really disappointing. I think your kids were in a tough spot. On the one hand they were at church so they figured it was ok. On the other their consciouses prob told them something different but the peer pressure was there as well. That is quite a fight against the flesh for a young man. I think I would also make it a teachable moment. Take some time and do some bible study with them. I recently was studying Rom 7&8 which talks about the battle btw flesh and spirit and how we live by the spirit. Also Galations is a great book about living by the spirit.

I wouldn't punish them per se but I think you are right to be more cautious of letting them be at church w/o you. Could you or DH volunteer with the youth? Sounds like they need some mature leaders. If that's not possible I would still try to be involved while they are there.
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